Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
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The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes