Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
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So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck