My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
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*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!
[takes a sip at wine tasting]
Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.