Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
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My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900