@Dawn_M_

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

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@partlyfunny

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

@kimtopher22

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

@iwearaonesie

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

@sixfootcandy

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

@Sarcasmo718

C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.

@duumb

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

@hippieswordfish

boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!

@Sassafrantz

[takes a sip at wine tasting]

Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.

@cravin4

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.