Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
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Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”