Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
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Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.