Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

You Might Also Like


[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it


[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*


It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering


In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.


i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”


“He’s more scared of you than you are of him” – Girl coaching her friend into talking to me


[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]