[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
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[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”
ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“He’s more scared of you than you are of him” – Girl coaching her friend into talking to me
Boom, boom, ching!
“Zoom room meeting”
Can I go first? Thanks.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]