Why is it spelled camouflage and not
You Might Also Like
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work