Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
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I’m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math…
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”