The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
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Potatoes were such a good idea
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea