Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?

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Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.


My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.


If I have written a tweet similar to yours, I apologize for your lack of depth and vision.


No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.


Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.


A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.


I’m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math…


If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”