Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
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6. me as a lawyer
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Cop: Have you seen your neighbor recently?
Me: I’ve always had that brick wall in the pantry.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
stop asking me if im hispanic when i already told y’all im hispeace!!!
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*