Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?

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Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!




Me: Shit.


16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure


Cop: Have you seen your neighbor recently?

Me: I’ve always had that brick wall in the pantry.


2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok


I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist


stop asking me if im hispanic when i already told y’all im hispeace!!!


Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE


[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*