why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
You Might Also Like
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
#CoronaOutbreak
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.