@MNateShyamalan

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

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@murrman5

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

@NoogsCorner

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

@seethenare

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

@KenJennings

Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said “bc time killed the dinosaurs.” My kids are never leaving home are they

@Chhapiness

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

@Howiesbookclub

“Daddy, are we poor?”
Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No.
“Compared to my friends?”
Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he’s a spider.

@Home_Halfway

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

@Donna_McCoy

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

@JohnLyonTweets

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?