why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

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do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”


Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”


If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.


Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said “bc time killed the dinosaurs.” My kids are never leaving home are they


My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house


“Daddy, are we poor?”
Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No.
“Compared to my friends?”
Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt.


Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he’s a spider.


Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people


Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.


Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?