ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
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When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Erm…
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.