[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.