Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Thoughts
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I was bored.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.