Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
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My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.