Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
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Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Me too 😆
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD