Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

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[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.


I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.


Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..


if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver


Any speed can be ‘breakneck’ speed if you’re clumsy enough.


I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.


If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house


Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.


Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.


1) Find and catch a rabbit

2) Go to restaurant

3) Complain about a hare in your meal

4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet


Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.