Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
You Might Also Like
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I bet
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr