@Stiffster1216

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

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@BuckyIsotope

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

@jergarl

Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..

Wife: Fridge.

M: Shoe?

W: Fridge.

M: How did you..

W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.

M:…

W: Idiot.

@AndyAsAdjective

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

@ShortSleeveSuit

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

@myles_morrison

Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I said “Hell no. I don’t want to have to spend my weekends bothering people at home.”

@Jamberee13

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

@SamuelHLowe

– I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
– And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

@ThePocketJustin

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

@preritpathak

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?