Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
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[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Free him
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring