The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
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NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.