Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
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me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one