Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
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Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings