“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
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How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Good news
Every photo I’m tagged in
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”