“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
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I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet