*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
You Might Also Like
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”