@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

You Might Also Like

@drankturpentine

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

@Habbibti

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

@sonictyrant

[Invention of the milk shake]

Drunk farmer: hey lets milk the cows on a rollercoaster

@UnrealRogue

Get a free debt analysis by visiting your parents this holiday.

@bencoffeehall

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

@dlsims01

Invitations: $10
Cupcakes: $15
Facility rental: $100

Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless

Math of a mother

@thesulk

I wish my car could put its hands in its pockets and whistle when I drive by a cop.

@ehdannyboy

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

@anniemalistics

Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.

@brycoo

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.