How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.