Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
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I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Florida man
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??