Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
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[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…