[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”