Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”