@TheBoydP

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

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@iwearaonesie

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

@jwoodham

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

@CVTBaby

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

@juliussharpe

For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you’re working with are idiots.

@LilFlaOrange30

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

@Havish_AF

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

@omgthatspunny

Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

@KendellMadden

“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.

@TheAlexNevil

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!