Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh


Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.


It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.


For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you’re working with are idiots.


That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.


Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.


Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.


“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.


Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!