Why is Santa’s sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.

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“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.


We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God


Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.


Today’s workout. Light weights. 1 hour parkouring rooftops on my block. It’s surprising how many people have skylights in their bathrooms.


Used way too much moisturizer and I may have to call in slick tomorrow.


Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.


Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.


People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.


Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.


Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.