@omgthatspunny

Why is Santa’s sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.

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@kayleighpuget

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

@CornOnTheGoblin

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

@JimmerThatisAll

Today’s workout. Light weights. 1 hour parkouring rooftops on my block. It’s surprising how many people have skylights in their bathrooms.

@WilliamAder

Used way too much moisturizer and I may have to call in slick tomorrow.

@BoomBoomBetty

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

@McGrumpenstein

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

@MelvinofYork

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

@jellybnbonanza

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.