Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
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Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Support your local cemetery
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
The Friday File.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.