Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
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I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years