Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
When a pregnant woman swims she is literally a human submarine.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
3. _tra large portion of fries
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”