WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?