Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
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I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller