Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
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HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
#catsoftwitter
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.