@senderblock23

Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno

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@Rollmaninoz

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

@Dutch_50

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

@MasterOfFury

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

@cerberustic

Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.

@SunshineJarboly

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

@Ideal_Victoria

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

@XGroverX

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

@Jam453Lane

I don’t know what I drank last night, but the vacuum is stuck on top of the house.

@Sickayduh

Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old