Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno
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A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My coat is so covered with dog fur that someone’s probably going to throw red paint on me at some point today.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Pizza: *screaming* BUT DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT I’D LIKE TO HAVE ON TOP OF ME!?
i’ve never gotten so mad over a video
You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me: You can talk!