Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.