@MrSpoonicorn

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

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@TheToddWilliams

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

@TheRealPalMal

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

@dumbbeezie

Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush

@FredTaming

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

@dlicj

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

@LADaddy

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

@Humor_Fetish

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

@TheAlexP

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

@Rica_Bee

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

@junejuly12

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working