@RedemptionAJ

Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I’m trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?

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@QwertyJones3

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

@Jesssicle

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

@stephenjmolloy

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

@huntigula

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

@jazmasta

“I feel like a failure, doc. I’ve got 5 boys and they ALL work as hotel valets”
“Wow this is the worst case of parking sons I’ve ever seen!”

@Kryzazy

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

@jonnysun

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.