Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I’m trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?

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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.


I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.


Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.


Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.


confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”


“I feel like a failure, doc. I’ve got 5 boys and they ALL work as hotel valets”
“Wow this is the worst case of parking sons I’ve ever seen!”


Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.


if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost


I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.