Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
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Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later