Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
You Might Also Like
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
the composer
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Me checking my bank balance online.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.