WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully