@ALLCAPSBRO

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

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@CarolinaSong

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

@ka_unplugged

When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren’t available

@thedad

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

@ComedicBust

My girlfriend’s furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she’d get over it since she’s not real.

@steve_jorbz

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

@Sarcasticsapien

Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.

@Crigmaster

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

@EliTerry

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain