I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
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When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren’t available
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My girlfriend’s furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she’d get over it since she’s not real.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain