Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
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Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?