The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
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It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I’m free to babysit tonight.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
BANKER: okay, just checking
Well, Lester Holt definitely lost that debate.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[Enter your password]
[Password must be 6 characters]
[Password disgusting but accepted]
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”