@JoParkerBear

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

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@SaraThomas84

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

@mydanimarie

It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I’m free to babysit tonight.

@fro_vo

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

@sreekyshooter

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

@DeanScott01

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.

@mattZillaaaa

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

@RegularFred

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@Reverend_Scott

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”