Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
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Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
In Canada they just call them geese
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.