Why is your ass split vertically?

Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.

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We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.


911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it


We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10


hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to


Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.


I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.


My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.


“Do you wanna build a snowman?”

“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”

*Pulls out carrot

“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”


Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”