@TheAdly

Why is your ass split vertically?

Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.

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@turtledumplin

We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.

@PleaseBeGneiss

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

@dog_rates

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

@EllaZee5

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

@SarcasticCharm

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

@butterwolf

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

@Swishergirl24

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

@just1fool

“Do you wanna build a snowman?”

“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”

*Pulls out carrot

“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”

@Kyle_Lippert

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”