We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.
Why is your ass split vertically?
Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.
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911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
“Do you wanna build a snowman?”
“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”
*Pulls out carrot
“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug