My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
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ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol