If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.
Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?
You Might Also Like
“You’re an idiot.”
-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” knock knock joke
TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?
ME:*nervously* inside the plane
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
“Is the Book Report any good?”
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me: “bad friday”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…