Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
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I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”