Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.