Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
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Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
yea so i messed up lol
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I’m not lazy
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.