Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
wish me luck lads
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*