WHY ISN鈥橳 THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!馃憞
*links to story on mainstream media site*
You Might Also Like
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He鈥檚 the hamburger helper glove
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What鈥檚 the blender for?
Me: I just told you
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don鈥檛 do that here
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout鈥檚 snout.
The man I married says it鈥檚 not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn鈥檛 allow imprecise compliments.
me: what鈥檚 the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight鈥檚 chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I鈥檒l come back tomorrow
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she鈥檚 seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you鈥檒l be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.